Three seconds.

Dig out your jumpers, dust off your ugg boots and turn on those electric blankets.  Maybe also stock up on Milk, because nobody.. nobody needs to fend the elements like those of today.  



It is raining and yes for the record.. it is pouring. 


Emily has asked three times if she can go puddle jumping.  Once, when the rain was coming in sideways. the next time I had just sat down with a piping hot coffee and the the third time I distracted her with the fact that Mummy didn't really want hypothermia.  

Today I hit a slight wall.  You know the one you hit once your mate adrenalin goes home?  All this hoo-haa about Chris' job and the six people that had to go.. and the sleep striking toddler.. and the house that's been full two weekends running... and the blimmin' cold I am fighting.

Yeah.  Wall, meet Lauren's head.

I do have motivation.  It is there.  

It's just been woken up too many times in the night.  It's just been thinking, planning and dancing the what-if dance for too long.  It's been talking, talking and talking.  It's been listening.  It's been drawing up plans. It's been running up and down a field.  It's been trying to convince a toddler to eat her peas and corn.  It's been trying to think what's for tea.

It's still in bed, hiding under the doona.

Today, I am grateful.  Exhausted and in need of a disco nap.. but grateful.  

For now, Chris' job is safe.  

In my heart I knew he was safe.  But until you get that official word.. you body and mind goes into over drive.  In a sense we were relieved.. but on the other had..we had also started to prepare for a life that didn't involve his job.  Plans were evolving.  Ideas were thrown about.  Excitement was brewing.

I think I need to sleep for a week before I can even contemplate anything else.

Consequently, I feel guilty.  Emily is getting a half arsed effort of a Mum.  A Mum that goes through the motions but is distant.  A mum that is so tired, that she is snappy.  A mum that is defunct of all creativity and served party pies up for lunch.  A mum that dreams of a full night sleep.. in succession.  A mum that in all honesty.. has run out of oomph.

You know when you called in sick at work and called it a Mental Health day? You slipped on your jarmies and watched Dr Phil?  You ate chips on the couch and your mug was never empty?  You had a quick kip while Judge Judy was on? One day off and you were firing on all cylinders the next? 

I need that.  

More than three seconds when I am not needed, wanted or required.  More than three seconds I am not wrangling tantrums, making sandwiches, folding knickers and socks, emptying dishwashers or changing nappies.  Three seconds where, I hide under a hot shower.  Slip under the covers and sleep.  Watch a movie.  Put my feet up and turn off my brain.  Ignore it all.  

My body is in constant fight or flight mode. 

The rain was welcome today.  Even though our clothes hang from the door frames like chandeliers and   the dog has wiped her muddy paws on the carpet, it has been welcomed with open arms.  The coziness of the  heater, the warmth of my ugg boots and the background noise of Charlie and Lola, it gave this Loz a slight reprieve.

Today, I took those three seconds.  

With a toddler, sometimes that is all you get.  

I sat with my coffee and savoured it.  With each sip, I gave myself a good talking to.  I patted myself on the back, for being honest with my feelings.  I am not one to stick my head in the sand.  I pondered what I wanted to happen next.  I digested the last few weeks.  Some of it stung, some of it made me smile.

I sat back and polished my figurative armour.  An armour that shows signs of battles drawn and won. Some may even say lost.  Polishing it's dented exerior, ready for it's next battle.

I just better stay out of the rain wearing it.

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